AWAKEN FROM A NIGHTMARE

Prior to September 2009, I would have this recurring dream about four to five times a year. It was more of a nightmare. I would find myself in a place that was hazy. I could see Jeb yet he would not acknowledge me. I would be crying out to him and nothing seemed to get his attention. I would awake left with the desperate feeling of being alone, needing to be seen and feeling completely ignored and forgotten by the one person I love most in this world. Then I would turn and see him next to me and could breath again, because he was right there to hold me. More importantly there to reassure me that it was just a dream and he was going nowhere.

What happens when a nightmare becomes your reality? When that one person is not there to reassure you. When those exact feelings of isolation and desperation to be seen by your bestfriend and partner become the life you live in… you fall apart.

What seemed like an eternity was the greatest, quickest, emotional and spiritual growth spurt I have ever experienced. And what they say about growing pains is so true.

For a couple of months I went through the motions the best I could in trying to figure out what, why and how can we get life back on track. I was reacting and not acting. I was going crazy, literally. Nothing I could do or did was going to make a difference in my situation at hand. The best thing I did for myself was seek help from a counselor, in wanting to understand and better the situation.

At first we went together. It was important to me that Jeb knew I was willing, wanting and able to look into what I could do in bettering us. I just wanted my world to be right again. I am not above admitting that I could and wanted to be a better friend and lover. We didn’t get to that place of disconnect without us both having been responsible in some way. Also knowing we are each responsible for our own actions. I needed to learn to only take responsibility for me and no one else.

First actions I took to better my situation was to pray and ask for help. Next step was to set out and seek said help I asked for. My turning point down a better road was reading Codependent No More By Melody Beattie (How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself).

Not that I ever considered myself a controlling person of others. However I became… (I hate to use this word), but I became desperate and wanted nothing more but to control the outcome of what was happening to my marriage.

“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior” ~pg. 36

Sounds ugly, right? Well the truth is the love of my life checked out and rightfully so wanted him to check back in. So I was doing everything I could to try and control a particular outcome. The one I wanted.

“I believe clutching tightly to a person or thing, or forcing my will on any given situation eliminates the possibility of my Higher Power doing anything constructive about the situation, the person, or me. My controlling blocks God’s power. It blocks other people’s ability to grow. It stops events from happening naturally. It prevents me from enjoying people or events.” ~pg. 80

I had a wake up call in reading this book. Those of you that know me well I have a deep passion for life, the little things and those people I hold dear and close in my heart. I didn’t want to allow myself to continue going down this path. I had let my deepest fear of losing Jeb control my actions. It was time for me to try and start trusting and living in what was now. I felt I had lost my life and everything I was working towards, and felt that what once was, was somehow diluted in what was going on today. Yet in letting go I was forced to find Jayme at 27. Not Jayme at 13 or the Jayme I want to be at 80 looking back on life. I had only myself in the here and now at 27 and had to find a way to be ok that. I had to find a way to be ok without my bestfriend and partner, my other half for over half my life. Asking a dreamer to let go of said dreams when they have all revolved around family and the sharing of life’s success with said family: is a tough task at hand.

“Many of us have dark nights. Many of us have uncertainty, loneliness and the pang of needs and wants that beg to be met and yet go seemingly unnoticed. Sometimes the way is foggy and slippery, and we have no hope. All we can feel is fear. All we can see is dark. I was driving one night in bad weather like this. I don’t like driving, and I particularly don’t like driving in bad weather. I was stiff and frightened at the wheel. I could barely see; the headlights were only illuminating a few feet of the road. I was almost blind. I started to panic. Anything could happen! Then, a calming thought entered my mind. The path was only lit for a few feet, but each time I progressed those few feet, a new section was lit. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t see far ahead. If I relaxed, I could see as far as I needed for the moment. The situation wasn’t ideal, but I could get through it if I stayed calm and worked with what was available.” ~pg. 108

I am not only a wife or the hope of being a future mother. All too often I see women alike lose themselves in their husbands and/or children. It is easy for us woman to do so as natural nurtures and caretakers (not to discredit that these are two of the most important jobs we could be blessed with). I can’t stress enough that we too are more then wives and/or mothers. It is important to take care of yourself and love yourself first.

“We are the greatest thing that will ever happen to us.” ~pg.123

What happened between Jeb and I was painful and the ugly details don’t deserve more attention then they have already received. I want to remember the growth and how I rose from pain and fear to become a better and stronger woman of today. Our relationship is in a better place and much work goes into fixing a relationship that was crushed. Truly it is a new beginning. We both feel strongly that we are sole deserving of the best partners we can be for each other. I couldn’t be happier of the direction we both are striving for, to be better individuals and a stronger “us”. Neither one of us are afraid of change and williness to change for the better. Everyday is a work in progress. We enjoy the growth and today are more understanding of each other’s needs then ever before. Our relationship will be stronger for it. Very bitter sweet. I am so comfortable and happy with whom I am today and what I have gone through and am striving for. I am amazed at how I handle a truly tough and depressing situation. I found what it means to love unconditionally. Loving someone with out any expectation of reciprocating emotions. Would I have grown this much with out the pain and ugliness? I am accepting, not excusing… yet accepting of how I got here.