Saturday, March 31, 2012

YA HOTS

I cannot express enough how truly blessed I am to have such beautiful, supporting, and loving family and friends in my life. Thank you to these ladies (Terri-Ann, Renee, Joni, and Lori) and my folks for making my birthday one to remember during this new chapter of my life. I'm not going to lie, it was very painful to celebrate my birthday without Jeb who has been in my life for the last 17 years. Times are changing and the troops rallied for an unforgettable weekend in Yachats Oregon. From the bottom of my heart I love you all so very much!!!


Finals came to an end right on my birthday and I was ready to get out of town for a long weekend. 


3/22 
Terri-Ann and I hit the road mid afternoon and made our way to the coast, entering Tillimook (of course stopping at the cheese factory) and then drove down hwy 101. T-money, it was so great to have that one on one time with you. Love you much! We check into Overleaf Village around 7ish. And thanks to Terri-Ann she talked the front desk into letting us use the spa and soaking tub for free, that evening. Renee being the classy woman she is surprised me with a balloon and flower bouquet waiting at the house upon arrival. Thanks Nee for bringing all the perfect little touches to the weekend ;) 




3/23
Before the rest of the crew showed up later that day, Terri-Ann and I checked out the small town of Yachats and went for a hunt to find Thor's Well... however unsuccessful in our first attempt we enjoyed our time spent on the rocks.



Later that afternoon Renee showed up and we went out again, I was determined to find this Thor's Well. FOUND IT!!! However it was much smaller than the images online made it seem, I was still stoked. 

 

Making our way to Strawberry Hill Beach, I was in the mood to comb the shores some more. I found one good size agate and then we geeked out over some sea lions that I truly can't believe we were that close to. 


We made our way back to the house where Renee and Terri-Ann whipped up an amazing taco soup for dinner, fitting with a bottle of wine "3 girls". I decided we had to stuff this bottle with messages and send it out to sea. Dance party and dinner as we waited for Lori and Joni to show. 



Yay! Lori and Joni arrive and we catch them up with dinner and messages for the bottle too. In the dark of night we made our way down to the shore and Lori and I got as close as we "safely" could to chuck the bottle out into the Ocean. 


Thanks Love. 


3/24
What better way to start the day than a 4.5 mile hike up and around Cape Perpetua.


Made it back to relax some more before my loving folks Cindy and Twain showed up to make fresh seafood jambalaya. That's how they do, drive 3.5 hours to make their daughter a birthday dinner, give some loves, and then bounce. Amazing dinner yet again Dad and Mom, thank you for being such wonderful parents. 

After dinner Terri-Ann, Renee, and I walked down to the beach to catch the sunset on our last night there. Simply magical. 



When the sun goes down... Flounder Inn Tavern is the place to be on a Saturday night in Waldport Oregon. No pics or video... I hope. lol. However, highlights were: Renee, Joni, and Lori singing "When I think about you I touch me myself" and "happy birthday" karaoke style; Lori working the billiards room; some random man serenading me with Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight"; the local's enjoying the heck out of us "city" girls ;); and Lori being dragged out fireman style on departure. 

Legit weekend for sure and thank you again ladies for making it one to remember. I love you all so very much. 
XO, 
Jayme

Saturday, March 3, 2012

I'M LEARIN'

Since the start of the year I have been officially certified as a nurses assistant, with plans to achieve my CNA2 this spring term at PCC. Allowing me to work in hospitals.

I am smack in the middle of Stats (learning how to gamble better), Bio (this life stuff amazes me every day), labs (haven't blown anything up... yet), and writing (such a great outlet for me in this time). I couldn't be happier with my professors and feel blessed everyday to be cramming so much new information into my brain. 

With my background originally in the arts, I have noticed that my creative answers and ways of looking at things tends to separate me from the rest of the science majors. Continuing to pull grins and chuckles from that of my professors and class mates. 

Oh, and the universe keeps gracing me in connecting with the best spirits ever. My stats girl Jazzy had my favorite coffee order waiting for me this Monday morning at 7am, knowing that my weekend was a little rough. 

I leave you all with one of my most favorite written pieces I have ever read. One of the pleasure from reading so much new material in my writing class. 

THIS IS THE LIFE
By Annie Dillard from the Fall issue of Image: A Journal of the Arts and Religion, published by the Center for Religious Humanism at Seattle Pacific University. Dillard's most recent book is For the Time Being.
Any culture tells you how to live your one and only life: to wit as everyone else does. Probably most cultures prize, as ours rightly does, making a contribution by working hard at work that you love; being in the know, and intelligent; gathering a surplus; and loving your family above all, and your dog, your boat, bird-watching. Beyond those things our culture might specialize in money, and celebrity, and natural beauty. These are not universal. You enjoy work and will love your grandchildren, and somewhere in there you die.
Another contemporary consensus might be: You wear the best shoes you can afford, you seek to know Rome's best restaurants and their staffs, drive the best car, and vacation on Tenerife. And what a cook you are!
Or you take the next tribe's pigs in thrilling raids; you grill yams; you trade for televisions and hunt white-plumed birds. Everyone you know agrees: this is the life. Perhaps you burn captives. You set fire to a drunk. Yours is the human struggle, or the elite one, to achieve... whatever your own culture tells you: to publish the paper that proves the point; to progress in the firm and gain high title and salary, stock options, benefits; to get the loan to store the beans till their price rises; to elude capture, to feed your children or educate them to a feather edge; or to count coup or perfect your calligraphy; to eat the king's deer or catch the poacher; to spear the seal, intimidate the enemy, and be a big man or beloved woman and die respected for the pigs or the title or the shoes. Not a funeral. Forget funeral. A big birthday party. Since everyone around you agrees.
Since everyone around you agrees ever since there were people on earth that land is value, or labor is value, or learning is value, or
spear points, hoe, plant; they kill aurochs or one another; they prepare sacrifices as we here and now work on our projects. What, seeing this spread multiply infinitely in every direction, would you do differently? No one could love your children more; would you love them less? Would you change your project? To what? Whatever you do, it has likely brought delight to fewer people than either contract bridge or the Red Sox.
However hypnotized you and your people are, you will be just as dead in their war, our war. However dead you are, more people will come. However many more people come, your time and its passions, and yourself and your passions, weigh equally in the balance with those of any dead who pulled waterwheel poles by the Nile or Yellow rivers, or painted their foreheads black, or starved in the wilderness, or wasted from disease then or now. Our lives and our deaths count equally, or we must abandon one-man-one-vote dismantle democracy, and assign six billion people an importance-of-life ranking from one to six billiona ranking whose number decreases, like gravity, with the square of the distance between us and them.
What would you do differently, you up on your beanstalk looking at scenes of all peoples at all times in all places? When you climb down, would you dance any less to the music you love, knowing that music to be as provisional as a bug? Somebody has to make jugs and shoes, to turn the soil, fish. If you descend the long rope-ladders back to your people and time in the fabric, if you tell them what you have seen, and even if someone cares to listen, then what? Everyone knows times and cultures are plural. If you come back a shrugging relativist or tongue-tied absolutist, then what? If you spend hours a day looking around, high astraddle the warp or woof of your people's wall, then what new wisdom can you take to your grave for worms to untangle? Well, maybe you will not go into advertising.
Then you would know your own death better but perhaps not dread it less. Try to bring people up the wall, carry children to see it to title, necklaces, degree, murex shells, or ownership of slaves. Everyone knows bees sting and ghosts haunt and giving your robes away humiliates your rivals. That the enemies are barbarians. That wise men swim through the rock of the earth; that houses breed filth, airstrips attract airplanes, tornadoes punish, ancestors watch, and you can buy a shorter stay in purgatory. The black rock is holy, or the scroll; or the pangolin is holy, the quetzal is holy, this tree, water, rock, stone, cow, cross, or mountain and it's all true. The Red Sox. Or nothing at all is holy, as everyone intelligent knows.
Who is your "everyone"? Chess masters scarcely surround themselves with motocross racers. Do you want aborigines at your birthday party? Or are you serving yak-butter tea? Popular culture deals not in its distant past, or any other past, or any other culture. You know no one who longs to buy a mule or be named to court or thrown into a volcano.
So the illusion, like the visual field, is complete It has no holes except books you read and soon forget. And death takes us by storm. What was that, that life? What else offered? If for him it was contract bridge, if for her it was copyright law, if for everyone it was and is an optimal mix of family and friends, learning, contribution, and joy of making and ameliorating what else is there, or was there, or will there ever be?
What else is a vision or fact of time and the peoples it bears issuing from the mouth of the cosmos, from the round mouth of eternity, in a wide and parti-colored utterance. In the complex weave of this utterance like fabric, in its infinite domestic interstices, the centuries and continents and classes dwell. Each people knows only its own squares in the weave, its wars and instruments and arts, and also the starry sky.
Okay, and then what? Say you scale your own weft and see time's breadth and the length of space. You see the way the fabric both passes among the stars and encloses them. You see in the weave nearby, and aslant farther off, the peoples variously scandalized or exalted in their squares. They work on their projects they flake what end? Fewer golf courses? What is wrong with golf? Nothing at all. Equality of wealth? Sure; how?
The woman watching sheep over there, the man who carries embers in a pierced clay ball, the engineer, the girl who spins wool into yarn as she climbs, the smelter, the babies learning to recognize speech in their own languages, the man whipping a slave's flayed back, the man digging roots, the woman digging roots, the child digging roots what would you tell them? And the future people what are they doing? What excitements sweep peoples here and there from time to time? Into the muddy river they go, into the trenches, into the caves, into the mines, into the granary, into the sea in boats. Most humans who were ever alive lived inside one single culture that never changed for hundreds of thousands of years; archaeologists scratch their heads at so conservative and static a culture.
Over here, the rains fail; they are starving. There, the caribou fail; they are starving. Corrupt leaders take the wealth. Not only there but here. Rust and smut spoil the rye. When pigs and cattle starve or freeze, people die soon after. Disease empties a sector, a billion sectors.
People look at the sky and at the other animals. They make beautiful objects, beautiful sounds, beautiful motions of their bodies beating drums in lines. They pray; they toss people in peat bogs; they help the sick and injured; they pierce their lips, their noses, ears; they make the same mistakes despite religion, written language, philosophy, and science; they build, they kill, they preserve, they count and figure, they boil the pot, they keep the embers alive; they tell their stories and gird themselves.
Will knowledge you experience directly make you a Buddhist? Must you forfeit excitement per se? To what end?
Say you have seen something. You have seen an ordinary bit of what is real, the infinite fabric of time that eternity shoots through, and time's soft-skinned people working and dying under slowly shifting stars. Then what?

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

STUDENT YET AGAIN


It is official!!! I met with my Health Admission Adviser today.

Who has two thumbs and is going back to school to become a nurse, this lady right here (pointing at myself with my thumbs… and a big smile on my face).

This change in career path does not mean I will no longer be a photographer. I have the best clients and will continue my photography in a forward motion as I go back to school.

I have debated in my mind for quite some time now about going down a new path. In some ways I feel I am raising a white flag and calling defeat in my endeavors to make a supporting career in my work as a photographer. Last month I made the bitter sweet decision that I truly need to take hold of what life has shown me and grow in a forward direction. Today I see it as not failing, but as a gift. Life has given me time and opportunity to yet again return to the classroom and learn a new career path.

January 2012 I will be a student once again. This time with more life experience behind me, the drive of knowing it was my choice beside me, and the excitement of new doors that will open in front of me. 

Here is to not being afraid of change and continuing to grow and move in a forward direction, with whatever life throws your way.

Cheers,
Jayme


Friday, March 11, 2011

AWAKEN FROM A NIGHTMARE

Prior to September 2009, I would have this recurring dream about four to five times a year. It was more of a nightmare. I would find myself in a place that was hazy. I could see Jeb yet he would not acknowledge me. I would be crying out to him and nothing seemed to get his attention. I would awake left with the desperate feeling of being alone, needing to be seen and feeling completely ignored and forgotten by the one person I love most in this world. Then I would turn and see him next to me and could breath again, because he was right there to hold me. More importantly there to reassure me that it was just a dream and he was going nowhere.

What happens when a nightmare becomes your reality? When that one person is not there to reassure you. When those exact feelings of isolation and desperation to be seen by your bestfriend and partner become the life you live in… you fall apart.

What seemed like an eternity was the greatest, quickest, emotional and spiritual growth spurt I have ever experienced. And what they say about growing pains is so true.

For a couple of months I went through the motions the best I could in trying to figure out what, why and how can we get life back on track. I was reacting and not acting. I was going crazy, literally. Nothing I could do or did was going to make a difference in my situation at hand. The best thing I did for myself was seek help from a counselor, in wanting to understand and better the situation.

At first we went together. It was important to me that Jeb knew I was willing, wanting and able to look into what I could do in bettering us. I just wanted my world to be right again. I am not above admitting that I could and wanted to be a better friend and lover. We didn’t get to that place of disconnect without us both having been responsible in some way. Also knowing we are each responsible for our own actions. I needed to learn to only take responsibility for me and no one else.

First actions I took to better my situation was to pray and ask for help. Next step was to set out and seek said help I asked for. My turning point down a better road was reading Codependent No More By Melody Beattie (How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself).

Not that I ever considered myself a controlling person of others. However I became… (I hate to use this word), but I became desperate and wanted nothing more but to control the outcome of what was happening to my marriage.


“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior” ~pg. 36

Sounds ugly, right? Well the truth is the love of my life checked out and rightfully so wanted him to check back in. So I was doing everything I could to try and control a particular outcome. The one I wanted.

“I believe clutching tightly to a person or thing, or forcing my will on any given situation eliminates the possibility of my Higher Power doing anything constructive about the situation, the person, or me. My controlling blocks God’s power. It blocks other people’s ability to grow. It stops events from happening naturally. It prevents me from enjoying people or events.” ~pg. 80

I had a wake up call in reading this book. Those of you that know me well I have a deep passion for life, the little things and those people I hold dear and close in my heart. I didn’t want to allow myself to continue going down this path. I had let my deepest fear of losing Jeb control my actions. It was time for me to try and start trusting and living in what was now. I felt I had lost my life and everything I was working towards, and felt that what once was, was somehow diluted in what was going on today. Yet in letting go I was forced to find Jayme at 27. Not Jayme at 13 or the Jayme I want to be at 80 looking back on life. I had only myself in the here and now at 27 and had to find a way to be ok that. I had to find a way to be ok without my bestfriend and partner, my other half for over half my life. Asking a dreamer to let go of said dreams when they have all revolved around family and the sharing of life’s success with said family: is a tough task at hand.

“Many of us have dark nights. Many of us have uncertainty, loneliness and the pang of needs and wants that beg to be met and yet go seemingly unnoticed. Sometimes the way is foggy and slippery, and we have no hope. All we can feel is fear. All we can see is dark. I was driving one night in bad weather like this. I don’t like driving, and I particularly don’t like driving in bad weather. I was stiff and frightened at the wheel. I could barely see; the headlights were only illuminating a few feet of the road. I was almost blind. I started to panic. Anything could happen! Then, a calming thought entered my mind. The path was only lit for a few feet, but each time I progressed those few feet, a new section was lit. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t see far ahead. If I relaxed, I could see as far as I needed for the moment. The situation wasn’t ideal, but I could get through it if I stayed calm and worked with what was available.” ~pg. 108

I am not only a wife or the hope of being a future mother. All too often I see women alike lose themselves in their husbands and/or children. It is easy for us woman to do so as natural nurtures and caretakers
(not to discredit that these are two of the most important jobs we could be blessed with). I can’t stress enough that we too are more then wives and/or mothers. It is important to take care of yourself and love yourself first.

“We are the greatest thing that will ever happen to us.” ~pg.123

What happened between Jeb and I was painful and the ugly details don’t deserve more attention then they have already received. I want to remember the growth and how I rose from pain and fear to become a better and stronger woman of today. Our relationship is in a better place and much work goes into fixing a relationship that was crushed. Truly it is a new beginning. We both feel strongly that we are sole deserving of the best partners we can be for each other. I couldn’t be happier of the direction we both are striving for, to be better individuals and a stronger “us”. Neither one of us are afraid of change and williness to change for the better. Everyday is a work in progress. We enjoy the growth and today are more understanding of each other’s needs then ever before. Our relationship will be stronger for it. Very bitter sweet. I am so comfortable and happy with whom I am today and what I have gone through and am striving for. I am amazed at how I handle a truly tough and depressing situation. I found what it means to love unconditionally. Loving someone with out any expectation of reciprocating emotions. Would I have grown this much with out the pain and ugliness? I am accepting, not excusing… yet accepting of how I got here.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

TELEPHONE GAME

One month late or 11 months early.  Either way it was special.

About two weeks ago Jeb and I received our Valentine's from Ella.  They had been sitting at my mom's for a bit and I had been meaning to call her and thank her.  I wanted to let Ella know that it meant a lot and was greatly appreciated.

This is how our conversation went last week:
"Hi Ella, this is auntie Jayme.  I want to thank you for the Valentine's you made for uncle Jeb and I.  I know this is late, just know we love you and thank you".
Ella says "Oh, I love you too. OK".

I heard her excitement from our conversation while handing the phone back Grandma.  Then Mom get's back on the phone and says "Well, I think she miss understood you".  Ella proceeded to tell Mom that I called to let her know how I didn't forget about her.  That I have a Valentine's for her and I am sorry it was late.  You better believe I was getting those girls a Valentine for when I saw them next.  Trust me they remember these things. 

However, where was I going to find a Valentine's card one month after the holiday?... I decided to make one. 

Totally worth the time and little money spent to see them so excited.  Ella already making plans to hang it on her wall when she gets home. Today was our special Valentine's.  I live for moments like these and love those girls to pieces. 

A reminder that acts of love are wonderful all year round. 

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

BREAKING THE ICE.

Just this last weekend I was skimming through my previous blog not enough js (the jeb and jayme track) and was overcome with the desire to tell my story again. Being a romantic and dreamer at heart, I truly enjoy reading back over my experiences and writings to remember how I felt at a particular time in my life.

Life happened and I stopped blogging for reasons that I am still unsure of how to put into words. What I can say is that life got ugly and for those of you that know me... I don’t do ugly very well; I have learned though... maybe. When what you have enjoyed writing and blogging about has been torn away from you and broken into pieces, where do you start telling your story again? You find yourself, pick up the pieces and put them back together. AND remember that this is YOUR story. This all takes time and patience. A word that is foreign to me.

Remembering, I am still Jayms and that hasn’t changed. I still enjoy being an open book to those that I hold dear and close in my life. I still would rather see the good in the bad, the “what can be” to the “what is”. I am a dreamer and a romantic. I have a story to tell one that I can now say I am proud of. I lost myself at times but never let go.

This is not a brag book or a chronological timetable of the events in my life. It is not a place to complain. This is life through my eyes; what has been, what can be and today.

I fell and fell hard. Metaphorically and literally speaking I trip all the time. It’s about the getting back up. Today, before I forget how I picked myself back up and moved forward again I want to write it. Share it with my loved ones, family and friends alike who became my safety net to fall back on. I am who I am because of you all. SO much good came from a long year of pain that I don’t want to forget.

Here's to new beginnings.

My new slogan; “3.2.1 COUNT DOWN TO AWESOME!” To spell it out, my birthday is March 21st ;)

Words from my heart,
Jayme